Blinding

I've been meaning to write for days and days and just never really have felt collected enough to write something that I wouldn't feel like deleting an hour later. A lot of thoughts, national occurances, and feelings have been whipped up and stirred over the past week. I suppose what has stopped me in the past from writing is not knowing where to begin.

So let's start here. Anger has been the most prevalent feeling of the past week. Why? This is mostly because of what has been happening at a national level. If you have been keeping up any on what is told through the news/media outlets you choose to read/listen to, a ridiculous amount of teenage LGBT suicides have occurred. I am angry that it has gotten to this number. I am angry that this even occurs. I am angry that more hasn't been done to prevent this. I've been well aware of this for years, and why this happens. What I don't understand is why people don't understand why this happens. What angers me even more is that there is most likely someone in the nation who believes that the coverage of what has happened thinks that this is pushing 'gay agenda.' I truthfully don't like calling it the 'gay agenda.' I think of it more as civil issues. This is one of the reasons why I wish I could be teaching in a classroom of my own. I truthfully want to be able to teach my students to be the change.

I have days where I question whether going to teach in a more liberal community is going to help the world or not (Skytown is not a liberal community, which is why sexual orientation is not included at the top of the SCS job application). Yes, it would be easier for me to live in. However, I'm not challenging anyone. I suppose it's a matter of not wanting to feel alone while doing so.

This leads to a documentary I watched this evening called Split: A Divided America. It was trying to find where exactly the nation is split, getting viewpoints from both Democrats and Republicans. I think a lot of valid points were made. I'm not going to speak a whole lot on this because I think you would have to watch it for yourself. You can find it on Hulu. I suppose my biggest upset is religion.

This leads to my other struggle of the week; my faith in God. I've been struggling with this for probably the past year or two, that is, whether I really believe in God anymore. Do I call myself a Christian (Presbyterian), or am I to the point of being agnostic? I have this struggle for multiple reasons. Neither myself, nor my family have ever really been religious. Honestly, I find church to be a bit of a drag sometimes (Maybe I just haven't found the right one?). I don't believe in the phrase 'the sanctity of marriage.' I don't believe anyone is going to hell for being gay. I believe the Bible should be taken seriously, and not literally. I believe that people who tend to call themselves true Christians are the exact opposite. I believe we should be accepting of other religions and not persecute them for worshipping differently. I am to the point of believing that religion is what is tearing this country apart.

And yes, this leads to yet another topic. My church's choir director position is open, and both my mom and another person have suggested that I consider it. I've thought about it. Boy have I thought about it. Not because I'd be doing a service for the church, but because I'd be getting paid to work with music part time. I know the church would be tickled if I would step in. But I'm not sure if I could go through with it with the stance that I have on religion currently. Perhaps if I step in, it will help make up my mind. I told my mom this evening that I was still thinking about it, but also that I almost can't stand religion anymore. This I believe is an every Sunday deal with only a one hour practice each week (Yikes! Only ONE hour?). I guess what my main problem with religion is I want to believe. But with the hate that has been highlighted, it convinces me otherwise. Talk about a challenge…

My only other frustration of the week has been trying to hang out with someone and the plans keep getting canceled. But it's not her fault.

A lot of this week has been spent thinking. I'm going to try not to confuse you as much as possible with this part. This is what has been on my mind:
 - It's been two weeks of forcing myself to not speak to K~. It's frustrating. I figured, we barely spoke all summer, why do I have to give her time and space NOW? However, this situation is beneficial in way, and in another, not.
 - I'm realizing a lot of my friends are getting into the dating scene again. This is good and bad.
 - I'm finding budding friendships from people that I never really got to hang out much with in the past. Today was proof in one of them. A little bit can go a long way. A lot of cool friendships I have have really developed since January.
 - I'm thankful for the friendships that have stayed strong for whether it's been 8 years or 2.
 - I miss a lot of people right now. I miss my old bandmates. I miss my brother. I miss the people I lived and worked with in Chicago. I miss some of my teachers and professors.
 - I'm becoming more and more fascinated with how we react and feel while listening to music. My actions (as well as others') begin to make more sense. I've been listening to the song "Blinding" by Florence + the Machine repeatedly throughout the day. Even though it's a bit of a deep song, I gain a strange sense of euphoria from it. I understand it, and why I feel the way I do while listening.

Now, in other news…

I subbed high school twice this past week. Both English classes. Subbing high school is pretty great actually. Maybe it's because I work with high school students better. Who knows. I'm not going to write any more about this.

My mom had a garage sale this weekend. And my Sega Gamegear finally sold. As well as my Tinker Bell wings I made for Pete's Feat last summer. There is now a 3 year old running around in a pair of white wings that I made myself.  :)

I went to Lincoln Saturday night and came back Sunday afternoon. Every time I leave, I always come back to find that my mom stashed more things in my room, slowly trying to turn my room into a storage area without my knowledge. I had a good night in Lincoln. Wasn't extravagant, but I got to see some pretty fantastic people, including my bestie. However, I did not attend Lincoln Calling. That was supposed to be the hang out with the person that I've been trying to hang out with for a while.

I'm going to be the Green Ranger from Power Rangers for Halloween. I have my dragon dagger already, and I recently purchased a costume pattern that I should be receiving in a few days. AND, I may have plans already for Halloween. Booyah.

This week, Oct. 9, is John Lennon's 70th birthday. I feel this is vital information.

I have nothing else that is pressing to tell.

Peace out.