It has taken multiple tries to get myself to blog this week. My blog entry attempts have either started out with political angst or a summary of what I had done over the days that leads up to now. Let's scratch both ideas and try something different. Especially since I broke my 'promise' of saying that I was going to blog last night for Stephanie, and failed to do so. For that, I apologize.
My Thanksgiving festivities are finished. The older I get, the shorter they become. We rarely meet on my dad's side anymore since everyone has become so spread out around the country (and world, since my cousin Tim is stationed in Japan currently). Today was just lunch at my grandparents' house with my mom's side of the family. My brother didn't even come. Towards the later half of the day, the toilets began to overflow while my uncle was attempting to figure out which bulb was causing problems for my grandma's light up Christmas angel that she puts outside. That was the most eventful part of the day. And so, I sit here in my basement now in my flannel and moccasins with my pant legs cuffed, having gotten my rainbow stocking hat out because of how secure it makes me feel and not because my head is cold. Another thirty days until the next holiday where once it is all over, there is a sense of disappointment that lingers for a day or two until you realize that another holiday is yet to come soon. I've never been a fan of holidays really. And I'm particularly least excited for this year's "Holiday Season", meaning Christmas. With emphasis placed heavily on shopping this year (Christmas was being advertised before Halloween already, my e-mail inbox has been flooded with reminders to shop, and Black Friday commercials have taken over cable), every time I'm asked, "What do you want for Christmas this year?", I honestly say, "Nothing." I don't need anything, and I feel selfish this year to say that I want anything. The things that I do want, I actually need. Like a bridge pin puller for my acoustic guitar (because I honestly can't change my strings without one, and really, these are only like $5 to $7). And a real job (but that may be asking for too much). When it comes to wants but not needs, well, there are a few shirts I liked, and I've always wanted a pair of Toms shoes (does that make me a hipster or a sell-out?). But those are things I don't necessarily need. I guess what I want more than a nerdy t-shirt and a pair of canvas shoes is to just spend time with people. You have no idea how much of a thrill I get when people just say 'hello' to me. I feel like after the past couple of years, I have a lot of lost time on my hands. To be even more honest, one of the reasons I don't want anything for Christmas is because I'd rather save the money for when I can finally move out of the house. I also feel like the first four months of the year were far more than I could have ever asked for that I don't need to ask for anything else.
Being back in Nebraska for 7 months now, I'm finding just how much being away from here has affected practically everything. I've said this many times before, but I knew I was a different person on May 8th (the day I left to come back to Nebraska) than I was on January 5th (the day I left for Chicago). During the time I was away, I developed some amazing relationships with people that are very strong today. But I've also realized that I had developed a lot of lost time with people I had to leave behind that I've now lost those relationships with (I'll be blunt, like Kesha for example, whom I haven't spoken to since September). Though, I feel like this wasn't necessarily my fault. I've been trying since May to pick up from where I left off. Some people are in the construction process, and some have thrown in the towel. I've grown a lot closer to people that I didn't get to hang out much with while in college, and I've picked up a few new friends along the way over the past few months. But those seats that old friends used to sit at at my mental dining table are still empty and it kind of hurts to be honest. Though, those are lessons we can only learn from, right? It was fun while it lasted, but we have to keep moving on. This past year has taught me more about what I want from friendships and relationships, and what makes and breaks a person. Social networking sites help when there are people a person knows who live far away, and that makes it easier to stay in touch. But I have friends from both out of state, and just a little over an hour away. And oddly, my bonds are stronger with the out of state friends than the ones in state. When I say that I really apprecated a 'hello', I meant it. I've been trying so hard to get people to hang out with me in person lately. I feel like some people think that if we're facebook friends, he/she can still feel like he/she is a part of my life. But that isn't all of it. There's more to all of us than what is seen on a profile. So I guess what I'm asking is all I want for Christmas is to physically spend time with people, to defeat this awkwardness and dishonesty that is often created (I would even be alright with a phone call).
I have been very up and down over the past week. Allow me to explain.
Last Friday I was supposed to have supper with a friend. I had scheduled this days before. The day after I had set it up, I had to reschedule the time to fit this friend's needs. And then an hour on Friday before I'm ready to leave for Lincoln, this friend had to cancel because he said he didn't have funds and asked if he could have a rain check. I was angry about this. I really was. I guess I would have been less upset if he told me when I first asked him that he didn't have any money to go out for supper. That afternoon I had baked cupcakes (Cookie Monster ones, too) and I made extra so I could bring him some. But, I decided to do away with that idea after the message. I had baked cupcakes solely for 'the boy's', that is, for Schmidt, Luis, and Elliot since they let me stay at their apartment usually when I'm in town. I was very proud of my work (if we're facebook friends, I posted pictures of them), and I know they liked them too. It was an alright night. The next morning, I got up early so I could do my shopping I needed to get done, had a wonderful Panera lunch, went to Annie rehearsal, and drove back home. The surprise of that Saturday evening was that Luis was still in town for the wedding he had to attend, and so, for the first time in years, we hung out in Sky-town together, having caught a movie at the Colfax Theatre (in which we were the only two who showed up) and eating pizza in my basement while watching part of The Holiday and SNL. It was such a great way to end my weekend (because I honestly don't remember what I did on Sunday).
Monday afternoon I spoke over Skype video chat with my friend Sarah who was one of my Chicago friends and who now lives in Seattle… for almost 4 hours. This was the first time we actually spoke to each other since May 7th when we said goodbye to each other (other than the occasional facebook message and text. I remember texting her the night of my college graduation to tell her that I found a bar that served Goose Island 312). It was wonderful to actually see her and her her voice at the same time. Granted, it took a while for her voice match up with her lips due to some technical difficulties, but it was splendid nonetheless. She, among most of the people I have met while living in Chicago, I feel blessed to have met and to still be friends with because she is honestly one of the most interesting and coolest people I have met. Plus I like being able to talk about the things that we talk about. That was really how I spent most of my Monday; talking and catching up. And it was wonderful.
Tuesday came, I felt nervous going into it. I was scheduled to sub again for one of my former teachers. But to be honest, the day went without a hitch. It was oddly amazing. I also wore one of my bow ties and was expecting at least one student to criticize me. And nothing. Not one word. However, I did receive a compliment. But with all good things but come at least one bad. Wednesday I received something I wasn't expecting; an evaluation. I received an evaluation from the Spanish teacher I subbed for OVER A WEEK AGO claiming that I didn't take attendance correctly and that I wasn't clear enough when describing some student situations. I could say more, but I don't want to go back and look at the piece of paper that tells me how crappy of a substitute teacher I am. I was on a high until I received that letter in the mail. This was from the same teacher that I believe the rumors of me handing out a detention came from. And so, my esteem was lowered greatly. I grew upset once more but had to say to myself, "Screw it." I know that not every time I sub, it's going to go perfect. But I stand by my actions of whatever happened on that Monday (yes, I received a letter saying that I basically screwed up last Monday, YESTERDAY, and if I had any questions, to contact the teacher, about something that happened over a week ago). I still continue to be frustrated with the lack of authority I am allowed to have. Let me explain further.
What I suppose gripes me the most is going into a situation where there is a para or whatever in the classroom, and me being a young teacher, it is automatically assumed that there's no possible way I could handle a classroom of teenagers. This happened on that Monday. I handled south side Chicago students. I can certainly handle Schuyler teenagers. And so, when I would try to speak to the class, the para would step in before I would and totally lose focus of the class. I think this is why Tuesday was so successful. I didn't have a person trying to play teacher when I was supposed to be the teacher (though, there actually was a para for the last class of the day, but she arrived late and I had already established that foundation with the classroom in just those few minutes and she actually got to see me handle the room). After the emotions that flooded my mind, I have decided to not call the teacher about this because after a week and a half having gone by, it's not worth it anymore. I have also decided to no longer sub for this teacher. So if a gig ever comes up with her name one, I shall decline. I can't afford to go through anymore, well, bullshit, with her and her classroom anymore. Though, after telling my cousin who graduated from there this past spring about what has been going on, she told me this teacher is strict and kind of weird. So this is understandable to a degree, and made me feel a little better.
I'm a good teacher. I really do believe this. Not being able to teach music, I don't feel like I really can show my 'true colors.' But what I have left over, I think is still worthy. I'm not perfect, and I don't intend to ever be because it's impossible, but I think I'm a bit further in growth that some first year folks. I disappointingly find the environment that I substitute in more toxic than it was before every day. I constantly wait for the day that I have to give some sort of social liberty lecture because of an ignorant comment that is made. After being in the high school and having recently read the newest issue of the school's newspaper, I realize these kids have so much to learn that isn't being taught here (which is why our country is honestly so screwed up when it comes to social issues). There was a review of the Rocky Horror Picture Show episode from Glee that was off the wall. The writer claimed that the episode was racist and sexist, and had a homosexual drag queen. In the end, it was claimed to basically be creepy and inappropriate. I don't think this student has ever seen the movie, nor has she understood the context. Homosexual drag queen? No, no, no, no! She has it all wrong! Transvestite is the correct word. Racist? And sexist? What?! Sweet Jesus. I realize that this is just a high school newspaper article, but what was written shows me that these students don't understand anything on the basis of gender fluidity. That also brought my mood down Wednesday. First the evaluation, then the newspaper. There is so much I can offer to these to students, to educate them on. But being Nebraska, there are laws that can harm me if I try. It is ridiculously unfair. We live in 2010. Folks, we need to get past this.
I'm going to refrain from talking about politics in this blog entry because I realize this post is long enough. I think this is enough to hold a person over for a while.
With that said, I'm going to raise my Sam Adams Octoberfest and say, "Cheers! Cheers to you, my friend!"
Peace out.
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