Dark Was The Night

1. I've been stuck in a funk for the past 48 hours for various reasons. Allow me to delve further into the subject.

2. I've sort of been job hunting again, my search somewhat lacking specificity. I looked in Nebraska, even though I don't want to teach here. One. Oskosh. No. Not interested in the slightest. I found my dream job of what would have been two years ago. Elementary/middle school strings. But it's in Oregon. And there's a bit of a catch. The job doesn't start until February, and it's technically temporary. The job goes until the end of the year, but if you want to stay, you have to reapply for your job because they're building a new school. It sort of sounds fishy. I found the listing on the MENC website. As of Illinois in general, there's an elementary music position in Decatur that will be for next year. They won't start interviewing until the spring. There are a few other positions (I think they were all elementary music as well) in the northern suburbs (and sort of suburbs) of Chicago.

3. I subbed for a 6th grade classroom last Friday afternoon, and for a high school Spanish class all day today. Both went alright. Friday went surprisingly well. Today, well, I feel like didn't go that well. I really didn't have any problems (though starting off the day being told I have to monitor ISS wasn't all that wonderful). I sadly feel like each time I sub at the high school, I enter myself into even more of a toxic environment than before. I sat in the classroom, just waiting for the clock to reach 3:40 so I could go home. I've subbed for this classroom before, and I feel rather certain this was the class where the rumor of me giving out a detention that prevented a girl from playing volleyball sprouted. I guess each time I sub at the high school, I feel more powerless than the time before. I don't know the subject material that well. I can't implement different assignments if something isn't working or there isn't anything to work on. And when there's a para in the room, I get walked on all over, thus knocking the authority that I have underneath me (this happened today, twice, though the first time I didn't mind). I'm a young teacher, so understand why students treat me differently than substitutes who are older. I am still at the stage that I feel I can't let my guard down because I know they will try at their first shot to walk all over me. I had to be a bit of a hard ass today. I would be sitting at the desk letting students work and whenever I'd look up, I'd find at least one or two students seeing if I was watching what they were doing. I believe I acted the way I did today because I wanted the students to be aware that I won't let a whole heck of a lot slide just because I'm a substitute. No, I won't let you text during class and I won't let you play games on the computer when you're supposed to be working on your power point presentation. I don't feel efficient as a substitute (who does?) and I know that all I'm really there to do is babysit and make sure no one kills someone. There are moments where I wish I could show the students some way or another that I can really do as a teacher, what I went to school for, but I know this will never happen (or at least chances are slim). I feel rather useless here.

4. I've been studying the piano score for Annie a lot over the past 24 hours, almost as if I was going to conduct it, mostly to get difficult rhythms down and such. I have a lot of work to do this week before the next rehearsal. It's getting better, that's for sure, but I still have a ways to go. My hands were about to fall off last night playing one boomchuck after the other. It was frustrating and I slammed my hands down at the keys probably a good three times and finally had to get myself to just stop. Even though I got frustrated while practicing, it's oddly the only thing right now that's keeping me sane. Imagining life without music becomes harder and harder every day because I know just how essential it is to my being. I really need to challenge myself musically over the next few months.

5. The new Josh Groban album came out today. I don't have it yet. This could create problems.

6. I spoke with a friend online late last night that I haven't hung out with since the house show I played in at Z~'s before he moved. The first thing she said to me was, "We miss you here." I didn't know how to quite respond to it right away, but it brightened up my night. Some time between now and when I'm done with Annie, we WILL hang out at least once.

7. I'm listening to the album Dark Was The Night that I got from my friend H~'s iTunes when we lived together in Chicago. I never really listened to the entire album in one sitting. Tonight I'm listening to it as I type. And I love it. I absolutely love it. There are things I want to say about certain tracks, but I feel almost too vulnerable to discuss right now. Thank you, aesthetics. Thank you.

8. I took a good 3 hour nap this evening after I got home from school. I had a dream where I was in Chicago with my friend L~, A~ (whom I haven't hung out with since my first year of college), some guy that was to look like a person I know, but didn't really, and D~ who had the body of a certain drag queen. We were downtown near the Chicago Red Line stop downtown, west of Michigan Ave., and it was dark and rainy and we were at a party. There is more to this dream that I'm sure you don't care about reading. For as bizarre as the dream became, it was rather amusing. It was a good nap.

I think that's all I can hammer out for now.

Peace out.