Don't Leave My Mind

1. I've been pushing myself like the dickens to get myself to blog. This entry is far overdue. Stephanie, this is for you.

2. This has been the first week since I started subbing that I didn't have any gigs. Though, three out of the five days this week I wouldn't have been able to sub anyway. So I guess this is a break from the long-term subbing I did?

3. Long-term subbing was great. A week and a half of subbing the afternoons, teaching the students how to sound out words, read, shake out their sillies, and how to be good human beings. This has oddly been my best subbing experience. I wish my first time subbing started out this way, but we aren't all lucky, and this is the only way we learn I guess. You learn what works, what doesn't work, and which problems are important and not. I'm sure things would be different if I was in my element, but I wasn't necessarily. The only advantage I had was that the teacher said that since I was a music teacher, I could teach them music things (which I TOTALLY took advantage of, or at least tried since they're first graders). Being so far outside of my teaching element made me see the difficulties classroom teachers go through every day, and made me more frustrated with 'the system.' There are flaws everywhere, and it makes me wonder, "Who decided on this crap?"

4. My long term subbing also welcomed me into the teachers crowd a bit more. It's fascinating, relieving, yet disappointing all at the same time. MY 1ST GRADE TEACHER is still a first grade teacher in town, and recognized me. She looks wonderful and ever so more vibrant than she was when I had her 15 years ago. She was such a wonderful teacher and human being. I got to speak with a few teachers (one in specific that I went to church with her sons) and other subs. People would automatically assume that I went to school to just be a regular classroom teacher and once I explain that I actually went to school for music, the looks on their faces change from, "You teach music, so why are you trying to teach reading?" to, "Wow, you teach music. You must being really creative and talented." Then it gets assumed that I want to live and teach here, which then leads to me having to explain the past year of my life in one minute or less (which is difficult). I say that I went to school to be a music teacher, I did my student teaching in Chicago last spring, and I graduated from college in May. I tried getting a job in Chicago, but it didn't work out this year, so I'll try again later, and as for now, I'm living at home saving money and getting teaching experience. That's about as much as I can get in most of the time. And then if I encounter that certain teacher again, a few more facts reveal themselves about myself. Little by little. I've encountered teachers who don't give a crap, teachers who are fascincated about Chicago but only know the tourist side, and teachers who know what Chicago is really like. The conversations I have with the teachers who know the real Chicago are fascinating and intellectually stimulating, and I love it. They get it, which means, they get me. Realizing and knowing this, it's comforting in such a small town. And so comes the disappoint. I ran into a frustrating and aggravating moment earlier this week. I had told my mom last week about a certain teacher who was giving me a hard time whenever I ran into her (I had never been a fan of her even when I was in school). My mom comes down to my room on Monday afternoon to tell me that she spoke with my brother and he said that his wife told him that someone she worked with the hospital told her that I am that most hated sub in Sky-town because of a detention I gave to a volleyball girl over some hand sanitizer that prevented her from playing in a game. This would explain why this particular teacher has been a butt to me. Of course, I'm outraged, but this isn't true. I have never given a detention in my lifetime! I honestly don't even know how to, and I'm not sure if substitute teachers can or not. I thought back to the three times I've subbed at the high school, narrowing down the classes of which I would have had volleyball girls. I've come of the conclusion that a girl from the 4th block class of the Spanish class I subbed for must have started this rumor. I was fretting that night, trying to find details and wondering if I should talk to the principal about this rumor going around. The next day came, and I said, "To hell with it." To hell with the people that feel the need to make up stories, the ones who would be angered over something that sounds too stupid to happen, and the ones who wouldn't even consider to find out if it's true or not. Plus I figured that if something would ever happen, I'm sure the principal and superintendent would have my back. Afterall, this sub day was a month ago. Big deal. This is an example of what goes on in Nebraska, and how far news travels. If people have nothing better to do than to start rumors about people they don't know, then as I said before, "To hell with it."

5. I go back to the high school to sub for the first time since that Spanish class day next Friday to sub a social studies class for the teacher I had for government.

6. Halloween. Well, it was ok. It wasn't great, but it was better than last year. The green ranger costume took a week to make, and it was a hit. It's ridiculous and brilliant at the same time. I spent Saturday night at S~'s house with loads of 10/11 folk and then driving over to hang out with L~ and to drive E~ and his girlfriend back to the apartment. Sunday I drove to Beatrice to see L~ (female L) perform in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. I then drove back, having a headache from not eating. I drove downtown to find Quizno's because I had my canvas bag that would get me a free drink and the place was gone! I was so fed up that I just drove back to the apartment, took a Motrin, and lied my head down until everyone (well, almost everyone) decided to get Chinese at Zhang's which really, was a wonderful idea, and the first time I've had Chinese food since Moon Palace in Chicago. Then everyone but S~ decided to leave, leaving me at their apartment with nothing to do but watch S~ play video games or just sit with my MacBook. And so, I got a hold of L~ (female L again) and we, along with D~, went downtown to have a drink and then to Perkins for a bite. So I got in a chance to wear my costume once more and hung out with some wonderful people. I saw both an Inspector Gadget and a Bender from Futurama. The rest were mostly girls who must have been crazy to go out in cold weather wearing such little to cover themselves up to stay warm. Oh! And we saw a group of people dressed as the complete cast of Gilligan's Island! The best part of the night was running into a group of Asian students (at least, I'm pretty sure they are international students from UNL) asking us if we knew of any parties they could go to.  :)

7. Wednesday. I had coupons, and so, I used them. I bought some ties (some of mine are just so old looking), an argyle cardigan, and just a plain striped long sleeve shirt that is made of some pretty amazing fabric. And so, I can now replace my beer stained white silk tie that got damaged at Howl at the Moon in Chicago (greatest night of my life, which is also tied with when I took the social work girls to Boystown). Yes, I bought a stain resistant white tie for about $10 from JC Penney. Booyah. Thank YOU sales and coupons.
I then set up camp at Panera for while, having supper and reading the news on the election (in which I'm disappointed in the voter turn-out). My sandwich was disappointing because the things I always ask for to be left off, were put on. Want to know why I never put a condiment on a sandwich? I strongly dislike soggy, spongey bread. For real. But listening the conversation next to me from the older folk made it better. They were going on and on about Dancing with the Stars and then about Susan Boyle. It was hilarious. One of the many reasons why I love Panera. I finished up and drove west to S~, L~, and E~'s apartment to drop of a few things and then drove back east to pick up A~ to go see Azure Ray. The night was wonderful, save the part where I missed an exit and wound up in Iowa for about 5 minutes. I can honestly admit that this wasn't the first time I've missed this exit. Anywho, the first opener, James Husband, did a cover of "Something Good" from The Sound of Music that was absolutely precious. Tim Fite, the second opener, was good, but trippy. He looked like H~, but ten years older. I had to text him that night to tell him too. Hardly anyone was there so we were able to stand right against the stage. Azure Ray were wonderful. This was my second time seeing them live. My first time was last summer when the performed for the free concert outside during the Wild About Omaha Weekend. Aside from a wonderful show, I didn't have to pay for any of my drinks which feels odd to me. My guess is that I drove? Anywho, after the show, A~ and I actually got to meet Maria Taylor and Orenda Fink. I SHOOK MARIA TAYLOR'S HAND. Oh man… It was wonderful. They are so tiny in person! They're my height! And they are so sweet and kind! Maria Taylor is so beautiful in person that I could barely look her in the eye, I was that bashful. I didn't want to push my boundries and just asked her if I could shake her hand, which I know sounds lame, but I feel weird about hugging people I don't know. And I'm sure that if I had made a bunch of albums and toured, I would feel a little weird about a stranger hugging me too. We drove back to Lincoln, I took A~ to get food, dropped her off at her apartment, and went back west to the place I was staying at to find the apartment still buzzing with Dungeons and Dragons activity.

8. Thursday. A~ told me the night before to let her know when I was leaving and if I would want to grab coffee the next day. I woke up, packed up my things, and ran to Best Buy and Target, followed by Blue Moon to have coffee (I actually had apple cider because you know I don't drink coffee) with A~. I was a little out of it when I hung out with her to be honest. When she had to go, I picked up lunch to eat during my ride back to Sky-town and ran into someone I went to school with. Talk about a crazy random happenstance. But it was nice to see S~'s face. We were in Chamber Singers together and she's honestly one of the sweetest people I've ever met. I'm so glad I got to see her face.  :)

9. I can't remember if I told you or not, but I'm playing piano for Annie at the Lincoln Community Playhouse. My first rehearsal is tomorrow (Saturday).

10. And so, since Thursday afternoon, I've been spending my time trying to keep plunking away at the Annie piano score. It's better little by little. It will just take a look of time.

11. I would really appreciate it if people would reply to the messages I send them. I sent a good number of messages out last night and got responses from about half.

12. I'm fairly certain my dad is developing Alzheimer's disease. He's starting to get a little strange.

13. I've been having awful dreams again. Someone I cared for who won't speak to me anymore got shot by a drug dealer in one and I was living with someone whom I was really good friends with 10 years ago in the other. Both were just really bizarre and had me scared for dear life when I woke up. I don't know where this stuff comes from.

14. Now comes the long winded bulletpoint; change. I hung out with someone this week that I haven't hung out with in two years, and I honestly went into the situation thinking things we're going to be a little different with slight ulterior motives. I proved myself wrong. I learned new things that I had no idea were going on and found out that I personally had changed a great deal in those two years. Loneliness makes you think stupid things. But then again, love also makes you blind (don't worry, love wasn't ever the case here). I am well aware that as long as I'm in Nebraska, I most likely won't be able to date anyone for about three reasons: 1. Distance and living at home, 2. Finding someone who fits my criteria is ridiculous, and 3. As soon as I can get a job outside of Nebraska, I'm leaving, which would mean, leaving someone behind. I can't do that to someone. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that I need to handle 'me' before a 'we' gets into the picture. As wonderful as it would be to hop back on the dating train, I feel like it would end up being a waste of time. So this is one point. Another thing is that I feel awful when I know I'm bored around people. I'm sorry, but I don't care about drunken adventures and people's personal drama episodes. Sure, I'll talk about different types of beer, but I don't care about how much it takes to get you out of control. I like talking about things that are stiumulating intellectually, things that really affect a person, things that really intrigue. I like to talk about music, social issues, politics, education, etc… I found myself wanting so badly to talk about these things this week, to talk about the election, to talk about how the country may be affected by what's to come in the next couple of months. I wanted to talk about life experiences, things that happened in the past two years that have kept us busy. I was told that I have had such an extraordinary life so far. Well, with that said, why not talk about it? Not that I want to always talk about serious things. If you know me well enough, I'm actually kind of a big dork. After this week, I'm left with knowing what I want from both a friendship and a relationship; good conversation. I probably sound like a pompous ass now. I shouldn't feel apologetic for being this way, but I do. And perhaps this was just a rough encounter. Maybe there are more good times to come. But maybe there aren't. I guess I'll only know by trying again. With the said, think this is a good time to call it a night.

Peace out.