Chicago

Today, Jan. 5, marks one year since I flew to Chicago and created memories that will last forever (unless I get Alzheimer’s). I’m dangerously nostalgic, missing the days that I rode the orange line overlooking the city and watching the sun set everyday after school. I miss the kids. I miss the mentors. I miss the people. I miss the fear of falling over while standing on the bus. I miss the sight of a Dunkin Donuts on every street corner downtown. I miss a lot of things. School break is over. Annie is over. And the new year has come. This year is to be of no limitations, which I set an example of tonight, and got shot down. But it’s ok. I guess. I had came into the situation with slight expectations, and left realizing they were higher than what I thought. But it’s only confirmation of where I need to go in life. I’m trying to not let myself get down about still not having a ‘big person job.’ Over the past month or so, I’ve been up and down about what I really want to do in life. I enjoyed Annie. That’s an understatement. I loved it. I absolutely loved playing in the orchestra pit. I didn’t realize I missed playing music THAT much. Coming out of playing for Annie, I really began to question if teaching in a public school is for me. Though, I think these notions came from the poor economy and the decline of arts education in the nation. Substitute teaching gets me down about becoming a teacher, mostly because I’m not teaching music. I think I really shine when I can talk about music. I miss it entirely. I miss talking about it. I miss playing it. I miss being around it.

So…yeah. Remember the blog entry I wrote about possibly being back in the game? Yeah, I'm back out of it.

I’m contemplating taking cello lessons over the next few months. I just need to find a teacher nearby. I have been going back and forth in my bag of emotions, wondering if I ever do get a ‘real job’, how knowledgable of a teacher would I be? The conflicting thing I find with being a teacher is the balance of knowledge and working with students to create life lessons and help them become better human beings. I feel I need to use music to achieve those ‘life lessons.’ I miss the passion. I miss the yearning. I miss the hurt. I miss the excitement. I’ve been going over and over in my head constantly of plans for the future, what to do if I don’t get hired. I want to go to grad school. I really do. I just didn’t feel ready this year. I know where I want to go and what I’d like to study. I have all these plans, but no follow through or success. Plans, plans, plans, plans, plans.

Situations transform and make us who we become tomorrow. I’ve changed so much in the past year. My faith in God began to spiral downward. My circle of friends shape shifted far too much than what I’d like or even expect. I lack the optimism I had a year ago. I am back to a similar situation I was in almost two years ago, where I found myself to no longer have a reason to stay in Nebraska. And tonight, I once again have found that I no longer have a reason to stay in Nebraska.

Life on the homefront isn’t good. It isn’t great. It isn’t wonderful. It’s complete opposite. Change for the good and the bad will be major this year for family. I find that I need to stay in Nebraska at least until June due to what’s been going on over the past 2 weeks (and for other reasons).

This is the year of no limitations. The year of the middle finger. The year of the f- you. Last year, the first 4 months were great. And after I flew back to Nebraska, everything seemed to go downhill. To the people who are done with college, is this really what happens after you graduate? Finding a job in Chicago will be hard. It IS hard. Limiting myself to one location isn’t the wisest choice. But I don’t want to be in Nebraska, and I’m not ready to travel far. I applied for an orchestra director position outside of Chicago right after Christmas. I doubt I’ll even get an interview, but I tried. In two months or so, the job listings will begin to pick up. To be honest, if I could, I’d still love to be hired by the Old Town School of Folk Music to teach piano lessons and such. They have an opening. But since it’s only part time, well, I can’t since I can’t survive on that little money. I honestly thought about seeing if maybe I could get hired as a dueling pianist, or play in a piano bar. I love improvisation, and I love playing songs that people love to hear and sing to. And most of all, I love playing to make people feel better.

All I do is think and plan. Think, and plan. I really would just like a day or two where my mind switches off and I can enjoy life without worrying about the future.

I’ve been back at my guitar playing, and doing something I haven’t done for years; playing covers. I’ve been picking songs, some that are originally acoustic, and others that aren’t, trying to find inspiration once again, to create a catalog that someday I’ll feel comfortable and satisfied with to perform. I’ve been trying to find the rawness that is rarely seen and that tells it like it is. It’s tough, but it’s slowly trickling out. Slowly.

This blog entry has been written out of disappointment from the week’s events. This is probably a good stopping point before things get a little too out of hand.

"All things go, all things go."

Peace out.