A Good Start

I do not have an exact direction in which this blog entry will take.

Today has been an exceptional day. I am determined to not live another week similar to the one I just experienced.

I was turned down for a date. I was hung up on the phone by an old friend who still refuses to speak to me after 4 months of silence. I drank myself silly with friends who were going through similar problems. I got an unexpected visit from my brother. The nation underwent unexpected turmoil in Arizona.

Don't get me wrong. There was good that came out. I saw a friend whom I rarely get to see because of distance. I laughed so hard I cried. I received many needed hugs. I saw my brother at home for the first time in a year.

I've come to realize only so much of my life I can be in control of. The date thing was a risk I had been thinking over for ages quite honestly. I figured it wouldn't hurt unless I tried. Besides, we never know until we try. And I tried, and was turned down. I had to not let myself get my hopes up after receiving what I realized were misleading (or misread) signs. Was I upset? A little. Yeah. Sure I was. But not as intense or severe as it could have gotten because as I said, I tried not to get my hopes up. And that's ok. It's ok to go out on a limb and take a risk every once in a while and it to not work to what you were expecting to receive. It was the first time I had tried asking anyone out since my sophomore year of college. Otherwise everything else has always just fallen into my lap (almost quite literally). A friend told me I have guts for what I did. I'm not sure if I agree. I'm trying to remind myself just how human we all are. Most of us have the need to share our lives with another person, and approaching someone we are fond is just a natural part of life. It's hit or miss. And a lot of the time, it will be miss until we get a hit. So, I'm trying to precede on with life as if it never really happened. She's a wonderful person and I still think highly of her and I love being friends with her. In reality, it was the confirmation I needed to know that this is not my place to be right now. The answer to the initial question was out of my control.

Some of you know the situation I have with a friend who dropped a bomb on me months ago and won't speak to me. Well, with that 'what could it hurt' perspective, I decided to call her in the first time in four months right before I went to see Black Swan Friday afternoon. She answered. I said her name and asked if she knew who this was. She had to think for a second, and reply with a 'no'. I said that this showed that she had deleted my number and then said my name. That being said, she hung up on me. I was furious. Absolutely furious. I still don't understand what's going on and why I can't talk to her. Nor does anyone else I know who knows about this. Never have I been so disappointed in someone. Never. Thinking about the future, I wonder if I'll ever run into her again and what would I say that was so. I guess I could never plan out what I'd say because as for any person, we choke when situations like that arise. All I know is I would act appropriately. Because of what happened Friday, I began to really think why it's so important for me to feel selfish or at least, to feel it more.  Later that night, I deleted her number. Enough is enough. The situation was out of my control.

I spent my weekend reminding myself just how much harder I need to work to get out of here and what kind of a mindset I need to be in to meet the world awaiting. I haven't met one person who believes I should stay in Nebraska. Lincoln wasn't particularly great to me over those few days. But I've learned to appreciate even more the small group of friends I have.

And so, tonight I sent out my first job application of the new year. Again, it was for a high school in Chicago. One that I've actually visited. On my birthday. For as crummy shape the city and state are in, it's a place not tarnished by memories I have. The good outweighs the bad there in my mind. It's an opportunity to start anew. I had my eye on a Washington DC job that was posted this week but after looking at the application, I'm close to just saying, "No. Not yet at least." I'm unsure what to do about it right now. The job season is still early, and not seeing 'music' pop up in the job bulletins lately gets disheartening. Today was one of the few days recently I've found to have felt motivated.

Yet, out of all of this, I somehow always manage to find some sort of tragic beauty from it and turn it into art. The past few days have been fervent in music creation that I can't complain of. It's always strange reaching down to those dark places inside of you, collecting all of those thoughts that are left so raw and wish to be untouched. I feel a musician is always at his/her most vulnerable when creating music and performing it.

The next few months aren't going to be easy. Which is why I am prepping myself for the ride now.

Peace out.