“I’m not calling you a liar, just don’t lie to me.”
- “I’m Not Calling You A Liar” by Florence + The Machine
Tom: She took a giant shit on my face. Literally.
Alison: Literally?
Tom: Well, no, not literally. That's disgusting.
(500) Days of Summer
I am a mess right now. If you read the previous blog, well, I got a response, and it wasn’t what I was expecting. I am a hot damn mess. I don’t know what to feel or what to think right now. I picked up my guitar immediately after which resulted in what was the most raw and heart wrenching musical experience I’ve had in years. I just had a years worth of truth dumped on me in 30 seconds of reading. Everything I have thought for the past year has now been thrown out the window. The dots slowly begin to connect themselves and the picture becomes more clear. I am so confused right now. I could really use some comfort.
Chicago, I am waiting for you.
Peace out.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
We're Just Friends
I’m not seeing anyone and I feel like I just got dumped. This has not been a good day in my world. I haven’t felt like this for well over a year. And it’s a feeling I don’t like welcoming back into my life (who does?). K~ isn’t speaking to me. She even deleted me off of facebook. And I don’t understand why. In a matter of minutes, part of my world began to fall to apart. Social networking sites have become evil in ways. She posted a status, and I commented. Nothing of inappropriate nature. Just…as myself. Offering a suggestion. I find 15 minutes later it is deleted. Another 15 minutes later she deletes me. I don’t understand. I texted her and then called, leaving a message, and nothing. I waited 3 hours to try again. Nothing. This isn’t right. We’ve been friends for over 4 years, dated twice (and got dumped twice), and never in that time did anything like this occur. Huhhh… I shouldn’t feel this sick and worrisome, but I do. I’ve been trying to do what I can to take my mind off of the situation, and it’s not working. I showered. I read (and finished my book). I played Chopin, The Phantom of the Opera, and Spring Awakening. Nothing. I don’t feel like seeing anyone. I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t normally hate anything, but man of man, I hate this feeling, mostly because I feel powerless in a situation I don’t understand with someone whom I care for deeply.
Crap.
Meanwhile, we’ve had a third thunderstorm this week which prevented the mom and I from going to Omaha today. So, tomorrow. I finished reading The World in Six Songs, which, once again, I’ll save for another time to discuss when I’m not feeling so mopey. All I can say is that the book makes far more sense now after feeling the way I do currently. Jesus.
I really need to stop writing such depressing things. Actually, I need to stop having such depressing stories to tell. Someday, hopefully, life will get better. It’s just this situation came from left field unseen. I’m going to sit in my corner and mope some more. Maybe write a song about it, I don’t know. Let’s hope the next time I blog, I have good things to tell you.
Peace out.
Crap.
Meanwhile, we’ve had a third thunderstorm this week which prevented the mom and I from going to Omaha today. So, tomorrow. I finished reading The World in Six Songs, which, once again, I’ll save for another time to discuss when I’m not feeling so mopey. All I can say is that the book makes far more sense now after feeling the way I do currently. Jesus.
I really need to stop writing such depressing things. Actually, I need to stop having such depressing stories to tell. Someday, hopefully, life will get better. It’s just this situation came from left field unseen. I’m going to sit in my corner and mope some more. Maybe write a song about it, I don’t know. Let’s hope the next time I blog, I have good things to tell you.
Peace out.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Kicking Television
Tonight has been one of the few nights in months I’ve had where I truly despise living at ‘home’ just because of how disconnected I feel from the rest of the world. “Why don’t you just get out of the house and drive?” Well, why don’t YOU come visit ME for once? I want so bad for life to just take a chill pill for a while so I stop running around like a chicken with its head cut off, or to stop waiting for something to happen. The Curie situation is at a standstill. However, I finally have a status update on my certificate. The ISBE has begun to process my provisional certificate. Let’s hope that it issues next week and that I can tell Mr. S~ what the 411 is and that I’ll be able to ship myself out to Chicago to teach. I’ve mostly just been thinking of what I would say on that first day to the students and how I would try to get the year back into motion. Planning, planning, planning. That’s all I’ve been thinking about. And I worry that all this planning may go to waste if this doesn’t work in my favor. However, even if I would get to teach at Curie, there’s the chance that I would have to leave if Mr. B~ can come back. I would then most likely have to come back to Nebraska, to once again, live in my parents’ basement. Though, this would be an amazing step of getting my foot in the door.
Aside from thinking about school, I’ve been thinking about politics. It’s the only thing I think of other than music anymore. I was intending to write a blog of basically what has been running through my mind all day, but those thoughts have exhausted me from pursuing this feat.
This blog entry isn’t going to be like my recent posts. A lot of it will be spontaneous thoughts. So I apologize if I don’t entertain you this evening with something intriguing and slightly intellectual.
- I have about 30 pages left in The World of Six Songs. I am finally on the Love chapter, and I find it slightly disappointing. However, these is a passage by Joni Mitchell that I’m going to share with you all that I found key once I finish the book. I could have had it finished by now, but reading makes me tired. I already fell asleep once this evening. I don’t need any more sleep than I’ve already received.
- The thought of this slightly scares me. I have four Curie students as facebook friends. I have my profile limited and semi-censored and don’t ever send them messages really unless it’s absolutely necessary or I’m concerned about them. A lot of controversy surrounds this issue. I know Mr. B~ and other Curie instructors have facebooks and are friends with many of their students. Considering who the students are and how many, I’m ok with it for now I guess. The only good thing that I’ve realized out of this was how old they actually are, which was older than I thought. This has given me ideas of what to do on a first day if I’m back at Curie; find out how old the students are/what grade they are in. This would help tremendously.
- Still no non-dial-up internet yet. Though technically we have it. My dad ordered a modem the other day, something that should have been done ages ago.
- The songwriting season has been going well lately. I’m writing music that I want to write. I’ve been contemplating a new project. The only way this can work is if I end up in Nebraska for the year. I just need another musician, preferably female, but I suppose I could make a male work too. Either one just has to be comfortable singing. And I have just the person in mind, but I need to know where I’m going to end up. This is more of something to cure my musical antsyness. I just want to make music. Really bad.
- To my Chicago Center friends: Do you realize that in about three months, it will have been a year since we met each other?
- My subbing day gets closer and closer. Nervous? Goodness yes. I’m more nervous to sub than I am to teach music on my own. At least I would know what I’m talking about most of the time.
This is really all I have left in me tonight. Everything about this weekend feels uncertain. I really crave stability right now. That and some company.
Peace out.
Aside from thinking about school, I’ve been thinking about politics. It’s the only thing I think of other than music anymore. I was intending to write a blog of basically what has been running through my mind all day, but those thoughts have exhausted me from pursuing this feat.
This blog entry isn’t going to be like my recent posts. A lot of it will be spontaneous thoughts. So I apologize if I don’t entertain you this evening with something intriguing and slightly intellectual.
- I have about 30 pages left in The World of Six Songs. I am finally on the Love chapter, and I find it slightly disappointing. However, these is a passage by Joni Mitchell that I’m going to share with you all that I found key once I finish the book. I could have had it finished by now, but reading makes me tired. I already fell asleep once this evening. I don’t need any more sleep than I’ve already received.
- The thought of this slightly scares me. I have four Curie students as facebook friends. I have my profile limited and semi-censored and don’t ever send them messages really unless it’s absolutely necessary or I’m concerned about them. A lot of controversy surrounds this issue. I know Mr. B~ and other Curie instructors have facebooks and are friends with many of their students. Considering who the students are and how many, I’m ok with it for now I guess. The only good thing that I’ve realized out of this was how old they actually are, which was older than I thought. This has given me ideas of what to do on a first day if I’m back at Curie; find out how old the students are/what grade they are in. This would help tremendously.
- Still no non-dial-up internet yet. Though technically we have it. My dad ordered a modem the other day, something that should have been done ages ago.
- The songwriting season has been going well lately. I’m writing music that I want to write. I’ve been contemplating a new project. The only way this can work is if I end up in Nebraska for the year. I just need another musician, preferably female, but I suppose I could make a male work too. Either one just has to be comfortable singing. And I have just the person in mind, but I need to know where I’m going to end up. This is more of something to cure my musical antsyness. I just want to make music. Really bad.
- To my Chicago Center friends: Do you realize that in about three months, it will have been a year since we met each other?
- My subbing day gets closer and closer. Nervous? Goodness yes. I’m more nervous to sub than I am to teach music on my own. At least I would know what I’m talking about most of the time.
This is really all I have left in me tonight. Everything about this weekend feels uncertain. I really crave stability right now. That and some company.
Peace out.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Life in Technicolor II
As much of an allegiance as I hold to Frédéric Chopin, he really wasn’t that wonderful of a person. Or perhaps celebrity would be a more understandable term to what exactly I meant. His life wasn’t as tragic as per se, Ludwig van Beethoven, Johannes Brahms, or Robert Schumann (poor guy!). He started out almost as every other notable composer started his career (for the first time I’m not saying her because music history failed to include most women in it). He was born to a French father and a Polish mother. He composed, traveled and performed. Big deal. He had several ladies in his time. After 9 years, he separated from his partner. The separation was the beginning of the end of Chopin. His health was going downhill and he lost interest in composing. He traveled some more, gave a few private performances, took some time off to rest, and performed some more. His final resting place was Paris where I died of tuberculosis. His life really was nothing compared to Beethoven’s hearing lost, Brahms’ unrequited love affairs, and Schumann’s mental illness. Yet somehow, the man has captured my musical allegiance.
I have sat down at the piano once more. Finally. I’ve begun to learn Chopin’s Nocturne in C# Minor, Op. 27, No. This was one of the nocturnes I had to choose from to play during my undergraduate studies. I obviously didn’t choose this one even though I absolutely love this piece. I just didn’t feel ready to play it. Both as a pianist and as an emotional human being. So far I have only gotten through the first two pages, trying to get my left hand used to the large leaps once more. I know I won’t learn this piece as fast as I have learned others (life without recital and jury deadlines still feels strange, though I’m not complaining), but I know that I am capable of learning it on my own. Some people say Chopin’s music was a record of Chopin himself. If that’s the case, his transformation of the nocturne that we know of today perhaps could be said that it chronicled a part of his life that may not be known in the books but we at least understand when we either read the notes on the pages or simply sit and listen. Nocturnes and nationalist songs were his specialty. I’m a nocturne player at heart. After listening to Chopin’s nocturnes, you can’t tell you are not left feeling either in love or heartbroken later on. He just had this amazing way of bringing out emotion through the full use of the keyboard’s capabilities. The nocturne I intend to take on after this on is the Nocturne in D Flat Major, Op. 27, No. 2. How can you not find it hard to breathe while listening to that piece?
Other than the fact that I’ve sat down at the piano again, how else does this apply to my life? Well, for tonight, it is the opposite. As I continually find myself engulfed in Chopin’s romanticism, the eternal heartbreak that an artist is plagued with seems slightly non-applicable over the past couple of days. Sure, my non-existent love life is still confusing as ever that I am only usually willing to discuss at ease with two people. But I shouldn’t be so concerned with that right now, as tragic as it is. All of the sudden, life has been kind to me. At a time where I question my faith in God, I wonder if this is him (I finally decided God has to be a man, who else would get Mary knocked up and not pay child support? Besides, we always say father, so I don’t know why people are always questioning God’s gender) finally saying, “You know what? You know how over the past 4 months I’ve put you through hell (not literally)? Well, here’s your break, kid.” I don’t know how this works. All these good things just started happening. I’m not used to good things happening. People started taking an interest in me and want to hang out. Well, I guess there are only two good things. That was the first one. The second one takes a lot of explaining. It’s a story and a half to tell.
Tuesday afternoon I received an e-mail from K~M~, one of my former cooperating teachers, forwarding me an e-mail she received and checking up on me to see how I was doing. The message that was forwarded was from the CPS music curriculum supervisor. The supervisor had sent out an e-mail he received from Mr. S~, the music department chair of Curie, the high school I student taught at, to all CPS music teachers saying they were in need of a new orchestra instructor. Automatically I knew something wasn’t right. School started Sept. 7 and already they needed a new orchestra teacher? What about Mr. B~? I contacted Mr. B~ right away to find out what happened. He is not at liberty to tell me exactly what happened. Only the basic gist. And that, I don’t feel at liberty to share with you. All I can really say is he isn’t teaching right now. He told me he gave my name to Mr. S~ and I should contact him. I call Mr. S~ and find out that I could stand in for Mr. B~ until this gets cleared up. I would teach orchestra at Curie temporarily (or what may become permanently). I explained to him that I have my Nebraska Teacher’s Certificate, I took the necessary ISBE tests and applied for my Illinois Teacher’s Certificate but I don’t have it yet. If it was up to him, I could go ahead and teach. But, since I don’t have my Illinois Certificate yet, he has to speak with the principal. Mr. S~ called me back today to tell me that I have to have my Illinois Certificate in hand. Once I have it, we can more on and go through with things. Mr. B~ is really hoping for me to stand in for him. I feel awful about this whole situation and I want to do what I can to help. I learned from one of the students they’ve just had a substitute and whose who have instruments and still remember their locker combinations have been practicing during class. In the two emergencies that have come up in the past couple of months, I have been the first name that comes to mind for Mr. B~ to call to stand in for him. I know the students. I know the school. I know the classroom. A piece of paper is preventing me from driving out there right now to help. And so, I’ve been trying to do research to find a way around this. I may have found a solution. I responded to K~M~’s e-mail late last night, explaining to her the situation. She responded tonight and told me I could call the ISBE and get an immediate provisional license until the real thing comes through. To my knowledge, a provisional license lasts 2 years. Perfect! I’ve also heard of people having jobs be put on hold for them after they’ve been hired because they haven’t received their certificate. I e-mailed Mr. S~ a few hours ago with these bits of information. I really want to teach there. But I really want Mr. B~ to teach there was well.
I am excited and frightened at the same time. This would be a real teaching experience. A REAL ONE. THIS WOULD BE IT. I’m excited to teach students how to hold their instruments, how to read music, how to move their wrists. I’m excited to teach students how to read a conductor’s language once more and to lead them with my magic wand (my baton!!!). I’m excited to turn these students into musicians. I’m excited for them to make music, for them to be proud of what they are capable of doing. The biggest fear I have is I don’t know as much about teaching orchestra as I would like to right now. But I feel this is common with every music teacher. During our undergraduate studies, we are taught to focus on one instrument during four years and know bits and pieces about the rest. I’m lucky that I’ve played violin since I was 11, had half a year of viola lessons, and bought a cello for me to practice on (which I started back up last Friday). My weakness is bass. If it wasn’t for the bass lesson Mr. B~ gave me one day, I wouldn’t have a foundation at all. However, bass is his primary instrument. Piano is mine. Usually, when I student taught, he took the cellos and basses, and I took the violins and violas. I know the upper strings. He knows the lower strings. And this is one of the reason why I think we made a great teaching team and why he said that normally he doesn’t like team teaching, but he’d love to have me teach with him some day. And so, tomorrow I will be trying to contact the ISBE, again, as whenever I called today, I was always directed to visit a website.
Life could get exciting and scary fast. Here was I settled with living at home for a year, subbing (I also applied for the para position yesterday and no word) and now this comes out of nowhere. I could be back in Chicago by the end of September. I might be sleeping on an air mattress on the floor and living out of a suitcase, but still. Mr. B~ told me that if I need help finding a place to stay at, to let him know. I feel blessed and thankful to have met the people that I did while in Chicago. After reading the long response K~M~ wrote to me tonight, each time I speak with her, the more I find her in myself. The more I feel like we really click (even if people think we resemble each other). I had mentioned to her that I was in Mt. Greenwood while taking my ISBE tests and she said that if she would have known that, she would have taken me out for lunch since she lives in that area. Like I stated in my very first blog entry, “Via Chicago,” my time in Chicago was the best four months of my life and will continue to be a memory I will cherish and hold on to.
That’s that situation.
So September’s goals are:
Get an Illinois Teaching Certificate
Buy the full first season of Glee on dvd.
Buy the new Azure Ray album.
The internet situation is pending. We received an activation letter today but no modem. At least, not to my knowledge. As soon as we get a modem, I think we can push forth and say so long to dial-up internet. I still don’t understand why my parents got a different phone number though. It doesn’t make sense.
At the moment, I am still scheduled to substitute teach for the very first time next Tuesday with 3rd grade. I find it daunting. I’m nervous out of my mind. I feel bad going into this never having taught in a general classroom before. I pray the teacher leaves me thorough instructions. I find it unreal that I’m actually subbing. I figure, if I can handle south side Chicago kids, I can handle Sky-Town kids. However, while I was in the high school yesterday dropping off my para application, I remembered while I dislike this town so much. I just got stared at like a strange animal. Yes, I look like a student. Yes, I’m still small. And yes, I look like something that rolled out of an indie film. Big deal. I dress far better than your hunter green wind suits. Huhhh… whatever. I try not to broadcast so much that I’m living in Sky-town mostly because of the interrogation I could go through from those who live here. I’m proud of who I am, and I think I dress pretty awesome. I just want to avoid all the crap I could go through if I walked around this town. But that’s enough negative energy.
I’m going to go back to listening to Coldplay’s “Life in Technicolor II” and “Postcards from Far Away.” “Postcards from Far Away” has become one of my favorite pieces to play on piano over the past couple of months. I listened to "Postcards from Far Away" so many times while riding the 79 bus back to the red line after school in Chicago. Thank you H~ for supplying me with this album. :)
Peace out.
I have sat down at the piano once more. Finally. I’ve begun to learn Chopin’s Nocturne in C# Minor, Op. 27, No. This was one of the nocturnes I had to choose from to play during my undergraduate studies. I obviously didn’t choose this one even though I absolutely love this piece. I just didn’t feel ready to play it. Both as a pianist and as an emotional human being. So far I have only gotten through the first two pages, trying to get my left hand used to the large leaps once more. I know I won’t learn this piece as fast as I have learned others (life without recital and jury deadlines still feels strange, though I’m not complaining), but I know that I am capable of learning it on my own. Some people say Chopin’s music was a record of Chopin himself. If that’s the case, his transformation of the nocturne that we know of today perhaps could be said that it chronicled a part of his life that may not be known in the books but we at least understand when we either read the notes on the pages or simply sit and listen. Nocturnes and nationalist songs were his specialty. I’m a nocturne player at heart. After listening to Chopin’s nocturnes, you can’t tell you are not left feeling either in love or heartbroken later on. He just had this amazing way of bringing out emotion through the full use of the keyboard’s capabilities. The nocturne I intend to take on after this on is the Nocturne in D Flat Major, Op. 27, No. 2. How can you not find it hard to breathe while listening to that piece?
Other than the fact that I’ve sat down at the piano again, how else does this apply to my life? Well, for tonight, it is the opposite. As I continually find myself engulfed in Chopin’s romanticism, the eternal heartbreak that an artist is plagued with seems slightly non-applicable over the past couple of days. Sure, my non-existent love life is still confusing as ever that I am only usually willing to discuss at ease with two people. But I shouldn’t be so concerned with that right now, as tragic as it is. All of the sudden, life has been kind to me. At a time where I question my faith in God, I wonder if this is him (I finally decided God has to be a man, who else would get Mary knocked up and not pay child support? Besides, we always say father, so I don’t know why people are always questioning God’s gender) finally saying, “You know what? You know how over the past 4 months I’ve put you through hell (not literally)? Well, here’s your break, kid.” I don’t know how this works. All these good things just started happening. I’m not used to good things happening. People started taking an interest in me and want to hang out. Well, I guess there are only two good things. That was the first one. The second one takes a lot of explaining. It’s a story and a half to tell.
Tuesday afternoon I received an e-mail from K~M~, one of my former cooperating teachers, forwarding me an e-mail she received and checking up on me to see how I was doing. The message that was forwarded was from the CPS music curriculum supervisor. The supervisor had sent out an e-mail he received from Mr. S~, the music department chair of Curie, the high school I student taught at, to all CPS music teachers saying they were in need of a new orchestra instructor. Automatically I knew something wasn’t right. School started Sept. 7 and already they needed a new orchestra teacher? What about Mr. B~? I contacted Mr. B~ right away to find out what happened. He is not at liberty to tell me exactly what happened. Only the basic gist. And that, I don’t feel at liberty to share with you. All I can really say is he isn’t teaching right now. He told me he gave my name to Mr. S~ and I should contact him. I call Mr. S~ and find out that I could stand in for Mr. B~ until this gets cleared up. I would teach orchestra at Curie temporarily (or what may become permanently). I explained to him that I have my Nebraska Teacher’s Certificate, I took the necessary ISBE tests and applied for my Illinois Teacher’s Certificate but I don’t have it yet. If it was up to him, I could go ahead and teach. But, since I don’t have my Illinois Certificate yet, he has to speak with the principal. Mr. S~ called me back today to tell me that I have to have my Illinois Certificate in hand. Once I have it, we can more on and go through with things. Mr. B~ is really hoping for me to stand in for him. I feel awful about this whole situation and I want to do what I can to help. I learned from one of the students they’ve just had a substitute and whose who have instruments and still remember their locker combinations have been practicing during class. In the two emergencies that have come up in the past couple of months, I have been the first name that comes to mind for Mr. B~ to call to stand in for him. I know the students. I know the school. I know the classroom. A piece of paper is preventing me from driving out there right now to help. And so, I’ve been trying to do research to find a way around this. I may have found a solution. I responded to K~M~’s e-mail late last night, explaining to her the situation. She responded tonight and told me I could call the ISBE and get an immediate provisional license until the real thing comes through. To my knowledge, a provisional license lasts 2 years. Perfect! I’ve also heard of people having jobs be put on hold for them after they’ve been hired because they haven’t received their certificate. I e-mailed Mr. S~ a few hours ago with these bits of information. I really want to teach there. But I really want Mr. B~ to teach there was well.
I am excited and frightened at the same time. This would be a real teaching experience. A REAL ONE. THIS WOULD BE IT. I’m excited to teach students how to hold their instruments, how to read music, how to move their wrists. I’m excited to teach students how to read a conductor’s language once more and to lead them with my magic wand (my baton!!!). I’m excited to turn these students into musicians. I’m excited for them to make music, for them to be proud of what they are capable of doing. The biggest fear I have is I don’t know as much about teaching orchestra as I would like to right now. But I feel this is common with every music teacher. During our undergraduate studies, we are taught to focus on one instrument during four years and know bits and pieces about the rest. I’m lucky that I’ve played violin since I was 11, had half a year of viola lessons, and bought a cello for me to practice on (which I started back up last Friday). My weakness is bass. If it wasn’t for the bass lesson Mr. B~ gave me one day, I wouldn’t have a foundation at all. However, bass is his primary instrument. Piano is mine. Usually, when I student taught, he took the cellos and basses, and I took the violins and violas. I know the upper strings. He knows the lower strings. And this is one of the reason why I think we made a great teaching team and why he said that normally he doesn’t like team teaching, but he’d love to have me teach with him some day. And so, tomorrow I will be trying to contact the ISBE, again, as whenever I called today, I was always directed to visit a website.
Life could get exciting and scary fast. Here was I settled with living at home for a year, subbing (I also applied for the para position yesterday and no word) and now this comes out of nowhere. I could be back in Chicago by the end of September. I might be sleeping on an air mattress on the floor and living out of a suitcase, but still. Mr. B~ told me that if I need help finding a place to stay at, to let him know. I feel blessed and thankful to have met the people that I did while in Chicago. After reading the long response K~M~ wrote to me tonight, each time I speak with her, the more I find her in myself. The more I feel like we really click (even if people think we resemble each other). I had mentioned to her that I was in Mt. Greenwood while taking my ISBE tests and she said that if she would have known that, she would have taken me out for lunch since she lives in that area. Like I stated in my very first blog entry, “Via Chicago,” my time in Chicago was the best four months of my life and will continue to be a memory I will cherish and hold on to.
That’s that situation.
So September’s goals are:
Get an Illinois Teaching Certificate
Buy the full first season of Glee on dvd.
Buy the new Azure Ray album.
The internet situation is pending. We received an activation letter today but no modem. At least, not to my knowledge. As soon as we get a modem, I think we can push forth and say so long to dial-up internet. I still don’t understand why my parents got a different phone number though. It doesn’t make sense.
At the moment, I am still scheduled to substitute teach for the very first time next Tuesday with 3rd grade. I find it daunting. I’m nervous out of my mind. I feel bad going into this never having taught in a general classroom before. I pray the teacher leaves me thorough instructions. I find it unreal that I’m actually subbing. I figure, if I can handle south side Chicago kids, I can handle Sky-Town kids. However, while I was in the high school yesterday dropping off my para application, I remembered while I dislike this town so much. I just got stared at like a strange animal. Yes, I look like a student. Yes, I’m still small. And yes, I look like something that rolled out of an indie film. Big deal. I dress far better than your hunter green wind suits. Huhhh… whatever. I try not to broadcast so much that I’m living in Sky-town mostly because of the interrogation I could go through from those who live here. I’m proud of who I am, and I think I dress pretty awesome. I just want to avoid all the crap I could go through if I walked around this town. But that’s enough negative energy.
I’m going to go back to listening to Coldplay’s “Life in Technicolor II” and “Postcards from Far Away.” “Postcards from Far Away” has become one of my favorite pieces to play on piano over the past couple of months. I listened to "Postcards from Far Away" so many times while riding the 79 bus back to the red line after school in Chicago. Thank you H~ for supplying me with this album. :)
Peace out.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Company in my Back
Johannes Brahms went through a streak of not wanting to write music any longer. What changed his mind was hearing just the right timbre to bring him back his inspiration. I am feeling that just now. I’ve considered myself having gone through a dry streak (or writer’s block perhaps) over the past few weeks. I knew what I wanted to write about. Just not how to exactly convey it. I don’t understand why I had never done this sooner, but for pure heck of it, I tuned my guitar a whole step down. Just a simple thing like that made a world of difference. Out sparked three new ideas. It’s mostly what I like to call ‘nonsense songs.’ Things I necessarily haven’t experienced personally, but has more of a storytelling aspect. The only idea that’s closest to being personal is the idea of finding my way back home which has always been theme that has stayed close to me but never really wrote about. Anywho, I’m liking where this is going. I’ve been listening to a lot of Wilco, finally owning all of their albums and strangely falling in love with their Kicking Television: Live in Chicago album (I’ve never really been much of a fan of live albums because the crowd yelling drives me crazy). They play a small part in my inspiration.
My weekend was pleasant. I’m in a list mood, so let me describe it to you that way:
- Had lunch with A~ at Panera because that was the place that would be least affected by the Husker game.
- Ran into L~ in the parking lot of Panera.
- Bought two Wilco albums (completing my collection finally) as well as the Jenny and Johnny album (technically an iTunes card, so I could buy the Jenny and Johnny album). I’m deeply disappointed in the Jenny and Johnny album.
- Hung out at Meadowlark drinking tea and bumming on my computer. I got meat tagged (I think that’s the terminology) as I sat down. She was too butch for my taste. I also was asked if my name was Carrie.
- I hung out at L~’s apartment.
I went to K~’s house where she then drove us to Yia Yia’s to have supper with L~ (a different L~) and D~.
- Some random girl while crossing the street complimented me on my outfit. She was sincere.
- I saw someone I went to high school with. As well as two of my college professors.
- Went to Hedwig and the Angry Inch afterwards, and it was wonderful. L~ (a another different L~) hung out with us.
- I was spotted by a, well, a sort of ex.
- I went to K~’s house and slept on the couch with a messed up head for various reasons and an updated computer.
- The next morning I threw on clothes, hung out for a bit, and drove back to Sky-Town.
- I gave in to napping, mostly because I don’t like Sundays.
This basically leads me to here.
I’m going to apply for a high school para educator position that has me up in the air on whether this is a good decision or not. In a week I sub for the first time. Third Grade. And I’m ridiculously nervous because honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing. And I feel bad about it, but it’s the only way I’m going to get experience right now.
Peace out.
My weekend was pleasant. I’m in a list mood, so let me describe it to you that way:
- Had lunch with A~ at Panera because that was the place that would be least affected by the Husker game.
- Ran into L~ in the parking lot of Panera.
- Bought two Wilco albums (completing my collection finally) as well as the Jenny and Johnny album (technically an iTunes card, so I could buy the Jenny and Johnny album). I’m deeply disappointed in the Jenny and Johnny album.
- Hung out at Meadowlark drinking tea and bumming on my computer. I got meat tagged (I think that’s the terminology) as I sat down. She was too butch for my taste. I also was asked if my name was Carrie.
- I hung out at L~’s apartment.
I went to K~’s house where she then drove us to Yia Yia’s to have supper with L~ (a different L~) and D~.
- Some random girl while crossing the street complimented me on my outfit. She was sincere.
- I saw someone I went to high school with. As well as two of my college professors.
- Went to Hedwig and the Angry Inch afterwards, and it was wonderful. L~ (a another different L~) hung out with us.
- I was spotted by a, well, a sort of ex.
- I went to K~’s house and slept on the couch with a messed up head for various reasons and an updated computer.
- The next morning I threw on clothes, hung out for a bit, and drove back to Sky-Town.
- I gave in to napping, mostly because I don’t like Sundays.
This basically leads me to here.
I’m going to apply for a high school para educator position that has me up in the air on whether this is a good decision or not. In a week I sub for the first time. Third Grade. And I’m ridiculously nervous because honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing. And I feel bad about it, but it’s the only way I’m going to get experience right now.
Peace out.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Falling Without Knowing
Disclaimer: I wrote this entry at around 3:00AM. Please take that into consideration while reading this because I’m sure at least half of it will make you think, “Wtf mate?”
Beethoven wrote his String Quartet, No. 95 in F minor (otherwise known as the “Serioso” String Quartet) in 1810. He had just been turned down in a proposal for marriage. He was 40. The woman he was pursuing was 19, who was, at the time, indifferent to the idea. He had written to a friend, “So be it then. For you, poor Beethoven, there is no happiness in the outer world. You must create it in yourself. Only in the ideal world can you find friends.” This was also during the time he was going deaf and when he was realizing it. And so, this became the time he sat down to write the “Serioso” Quartet. Something so beautiful and fine came out of one of the bleakest moments of Beethoven’s life.
This has been a conflicting couple of days. I question why I beat myself up so much over certain issues (and I’m sure many of you are thinking the same thing, all three of you who read my blog). Musicians (artists in general really) are such a strange breed. We put ourselves through this eternal heartbreak for the sake of our art. To be able to take feeling and create a picture, a structure, a piece of music, a piece of literature, anything, and then evoke the feelings of another. It’s brilliant really when you think of the power that a person can hold by such action. Though, everything we encounter makes us think one thing or another. Afterall, the continuous general definition of art is something that makes us think. Therefore, anything and everything can be classified as art. But the things that bring us to tears, make our hearts flutter, make our faces glow, things that totally make our worlds feel as if they are shattering or perhaps feel as if they are putting the pieces back together, I think, that’s what makes great art. We provide the escape, the reasoning, the thinking through, the form of expression, the communication, of feeling, of ideas, of emotion. I write these words at a stand still yet pivotal time of my life. I need to let go of more than a few boxes of outdated electronics and past issues of Rolling Stone magazine. I will honestly say I’ve been in love once, but not anymore. And now that I’m back in an old world, I feel tempted to take a step backwards even though I know how detrimental it can be. However, I am well aware that I can’t take that step backwards. It would never be the same and I know it will never work. And so I’m left with another situation; letting go of someone/something I never had. I had grown extremely fond of someone over the past six months that never grew into anything. I spoke to that person two days ago for the first time in slightly less than a month for about 30 seconds. I am convinced she is completely oblivious to what had went on when this came to sprout. As much as I don’t want to let go of this ridiculous hope that I have stored away in my head, I should already. But really, all I want right now is answers. And once I can get those, then I can move on.
Brahms spent the end of his life in melancholy. Imagine never marrying, living your life through various love affairs and only being friends for almost your entire life with the one woman you truly loved (Clara Schumann, and outliving her). By the 1890’s, he had given up writing music altogether. However, he had found just the right timbre to express what he was feeling. And from there, he proceeded to write music once more (Sonata in E-flat, Op. 120, No.2).
No, not all art comes out of sadness. But we sure as hell create a lot of it when we’re down in the dumps. And why do we listen to sad music when we’re sad? Why not listen to something happy to lift our spirits? Because when we listen to something sad while feeling sad, we know that someone else out in the world felt at one time what we were feeling, and therefore, that gives us a consolation in knowing that we can make it through. But just give us time to process what is going on and eventually, we’ll meet you on down the road.
This is what happens when I listen to my WGBH Classical Performance Boston podcasts at 3:00AM.
I am easily entertained by horoscopes. This is what one of them read for today (I’m a Taurus):
“You are what you eat. Attitude is altitude. Life is what you make it. All of these bits of advice seem very simple when said by someone else. But if you struggle with weight issues, then following a diet is a challenge. If you’re dealing with problems in your personal life, it’s hard to see the bright side sometimes. And when you’re facing something like unemployment or rejection by a romantic partner, it’s hard to feel like you’re the master of your fate. Whatever you’re challenged by now, Taurus, simply have faith that the powers that be will see you through to greater abundance and happiness very soon.”
Preach it, sista. Though I don’t struggle with weight problems (except for the fact that I have a pop addiction and that I drank FAR too much soda pop yesterday), the personal life deal is to the T. Or however the saying goes.
From the Chicago Sun-Times, my week prediction reads:
“This is a wonderfully playful time! Retrograde Mercury brings old flames back into the picture. This might give you a lift or a shock. However, not only are the sun and Mercury urging you to play, this is also where the new moon occurs. One of the things you might want to ask yourself is how seriously do you value your creativity? You respect your money. You respect your bank account. You respect your possessions that are valuable. What about your valuable talents? For example, many of you can sing. Have you been singing lately? You are more alive and your life is more enriched when you use your creative expression. I know this sounds touchy-feely, but it’s true.”
On a less deep and meaningful note, I have been ‘moving’ into my bedroom over the past two days and it has been so far successful. All that’s really left to go through is a bunch of paper and a bundle of vinyl records. The smell of Pledge is subsiding (thank goodness!) and I don’t feel like I have to sneeze every 15 minutes. I reapplied for the Reavis position which I doubt I’ll get a call for. I am still waiting for sub gigs but it’s early so not having anything yet is understandable. Next Saturday I’m going to Lincoln to see a guy I went to college (we took Intro to Jazz Improv together) with put on Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I haven’t bought the new Jenny and Johnny album yet. The second set of Glee dvds come out next Tuesday. My brother isn’t coming ‘home’ for Labor Day. Wesleyan is putting on How I Learned to Drive. I’ve been looking into grad school. I really want to play piano, specifically Schumann. This weekend feels like the longest out of the whole summer.
Peace out.
Beethoven wrote his String Quartet, No. 95 in F minor (otherwise known as the “Serioso” String Quartet) in 1810. He had just been turned down in a proposal for marriage. He was 40. The woman he was pursuing was 19, who was, at the time, indifferent to the idea. He had written to a friend, “So be it then. For you, poor Beethoven, there is no happiness in the outer world. You must create it in yourself. Only in the ideal world can you find friends.” This was also during the time he was going deaf and when he was realizing it. And so, this became the time he sat down to write the “Serioso” Quartet. Something so beautiful and fine came out of one of the bleakest moments of Beethoven’s life.
This has been a conflicting couple of days. I question why I beat myself up so much over certain issues (and I’m sure many of you are thinking the same thing, all three of you who read my blog). Musicians (artists in general really) are such a strange breed. We put ourselves through this eternal heartbreak for the sake of our art. To be able to take feeling and create a picture, a structure, a piece of music, a piece of literature, anything, and then evoke the feelings of another. It’s brilliant really when you think of the power that a person can hold by such action. Though, everything we encounter makes us think one thing or another. Afterall, the continuous general definition of art is something that makes us think. Therefore, anything and everything can be classified as art. But the things that bring us to tears, make our hearts flutter, make our faces glow, things that totally make our worlds feel as if they are shattering or perhaps feel as if they are putting the pieces back together, I think, that’s what makes great art. We provide the escape, the reasoning, the thinking through, the form of expression, the communication, of feeling, of ideas, of emotion. I write these words at a stand still yet pivotal time of my life. I need to let go of more than a few boxes of outdated electronics and past issues of Rolling Stone magazine. I will honestly say I’ve been in love once, but not anymore. And now that I’m back in an old world, I feel tempted to take a step backwards even though I know how detrimental it can be. However, I am well aware that I can’t take that step backwards. It would never be the same and I know it will never work. And so I’m left with another situation; letting go of someone/something I never had. I had grown extremely fond of someone over the past six months that never grew into anything. I spoke to that person two days ago for the first time in slightly less than a month for about 30 seconds. I am convinced she is completely oblivious to what had went on when this came to sprout. As much as I don’t want to let go of this ridiculous hope that I have stored away in my head, I should already. But really, all I want right now is answers. And once I can get those, then I can move on.
Brahms spent the end of his life in melancholy. Imagine never marrying, living your life through various love affairs and only being friends for almost your entire life with the one woman you truly loved (Clara Schumann, and outliving her). By the 1890’s, he had given up writing music altogether. However, he had found just the right timbre to express what he was feeling. And from there, he proceeded to write music once more (Sonata in E-flat, Op. 120, No.2).
No, not all art comes out of sadness. But we sure as hell create a lot of it when we’re down in the dumps. And why do we listen to sad music when we’re sad? Why not listen to something happy to lift our spirits? Because when we listen to something sad while feeling sad, we know that someone else out in the world felt at one time what we were feeling, and therefore, that gives us a consolation in knowing that we can make it through. But just give us time to process what is going on and eventually, we’ll meet you on down the road.
This is what happens when I listen to my WGBH Classical Performance Boston podcasts at 3:00AM.
I am easily entertained by horoscopes. This is what one of them read for today (I’m a Taurus):
“You are what you eat. Attitude is altitude. Life is what you make it. All of these bits of advice seem very simple when said by someone else. But if you struggle with weight issues, then following a diet is a challenge. If you’re dealing with problems in your personal life, it’s hard to see the bright side sometimes. And when you’re facing something like unemployment or rejection by a romantic partner, it’s hard to feel like you’re the master of your fate. Whatever you’re challenged by now, Taurus, simply have faith that the powers that be will see you through to greater abundance and happiness very soon.”
Preach it, sista. Though I don’t struggle with weight problems (except for the fact that I have a pop addiction and that I drank FAR too much soda pop yesterday), the personal life deal is to the T. Or however the saying goes.
From the Chicago Sun-Times, my week prediction reads:
“This is a wonderfully playful time! Retrograde Mercury brings old flames back into the picture. This might give you a lift or a shock. However, not only are the sun and Mercury urging you to play, this is also where the new moon occurs. One of the things you might want to ask yourself is how seriously do you value your creativity? You respect your money. You respect your bank account. You respect your possessions that are valuable. What about your valuable talents? For example, many of you can sing. Have you been singing lately? You are more alive and your life is more enriched when you use your creative expression. I know this sounds touchy-feely, but it’s true.”
On a less deep and meaningful note, I have been ‘moving’ into my bedroom over the past two days and it has been so far successful. All that’s really left to go through is a bunch of paper and a bundle of vinyl records. The smell of Pledge is subsiding (thank goodness!) and I don’t feel like I have to sneeze every 15 minutes. I reapplied for the Reavis position which I doubt I’ll get a call for. I am still waiting for sub gigs but it’s early so not having anything yet is understandable. Next Saturday I’m going to Lincoln to see a guy I went to college (we took Intro to Jazz Improv together) with put on Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I haven’t bought the new Jenny and Johnny album yet. The second set of Glee dvds come out next Tuesday. My brother isn’t coming ‘home’ for Labor Day. Wesleyan is putting on How I Learned to Drive. I’ve been looking into grad school. I really want to play piano, specifically Schumann. This weekend feels like the longest out of the whole summer.
Peace out.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Candy Says
I spent a good three hours this evening listening to The Velvet Underground while deconstructing/reconstructing my room. “Candy Says” came up over my speakers and I realized having done a cover of that song over two years ago, that was probably the worst move to make in the world of rock ‘n’ roll. It’s a great song, don’t get me wrong. But for the band that we were when we started out and the musician that I was at that time, it wasn’t working. That was just the random thought of the evening.
I’ve been deconstructing and reconstructing, mostly to waste time and the de-clutter my life. Since I’m figuring I’m going to be living at ‘home’ for the next 10 months, it’s about time that I actually ‘move in’ and stop living out of a suitcase and boxes. This means I am turning my room back into ‘my room’ and not just a storage space that my mom had turned it into over the past two years (still can’t find my running shoes since I left for Chicago). I have about 1/4 of my room deconstructed and reconstructed, I suppose. My room smells like Pledge and for someone who has allergies, well, my nose is going crazy right now. I’m trying to simplify my life as much as I can right now, meaning, simplifying my possessions. And if I haven’t touched it for at least two years, it probably has no importance to me whatsoever anymore.
I suppose one of the other reasons that I’m doing this (other than me being OCD) is that if I’m going to be here for a good while, I want to at least have visitors. However, the likelihood of this seems slim. I spent the majority of my summer right after I returned to Nebraska driving and flying to anywhere and everywhere, couch surfing. And never was it me being asked to come to visit. It was me offering to visit. Perhaps I’m bitter or even paranoid, but I’m honestly tired of driving everywhere. For once I’d like someone to either ask me to visit or offer to come visit me. Sure, I could just stop offering, but then I feel like I’ll just end up a recluse. I know many of my friends are busy with school but even when I was back in classes and rehearsals, I still made time. I guess what I’m really trying to say is I’m tired of driving everywhere to see everyone and for once I’d like someone to return the favor (I should have kept track at how much I’ve spent in transportation costs over the past 4 months). I’m done crabbing now.
Job frustration. No sub gigs yet. I finally have everything in that needs to be completed for me to get paid. I still check the CPS bulletins every week. This week one of the jobs I applied for back on July 7th was reposted. And it’s a school that’s just a few blocks west of where I lived in Hyde Park. CPS begins classes on September 7th, just days from now. I told my mom about this job and the situation and she is practically forcing me to apply. I’m still unsure what her angle is. I’m rather doubtful I’d even get an interview. I’m just frustrated with this push and pull business.
I haven’t felt like myself this week which is a vague statement. Maybe it’ll get better when I finish this construction phase. When I de-clutter my surroundings, I de-clutter my mind in the process. There are a lot of big changes going on around me. A few friends have traveled (or will be traveling) afar. Others are back at school. I’ve given up on the ‘L’ word (not the show) for the time being mostly because I need to stop thinking about something that will most likely never happen. I haven’t been making music/playing music as much as I’d like. And I think this may be part of why I feel the way I have been, especially when it is such a large part of who I am.
The first Husker game of the season is this weekend, of which I most likely will not be watching because I’m not a a football fan in general. Also, word is that my brother may not be coming to Sky-town to visit for Labor Day which has me a bit irked.
But in good news, the weather is cooling off in Nebraska. Today was been the coldest day of the summer, lingering in the 60’s and 70’s (it’s 57ºF as I write this). Only 19 days until the official start to fall/autumn which means hot apple cider, caramel apples, turning leaves, sweater weather (I’ve already started wearing my blazers!) and just for S~, stretchy gloves (even though I personally don’t wear gloves this early).
This is probably enough of my rambling this evening. I watched the Rob Blago.... interview on The Daily Show and should probably get back to making my room look like a tornado didn’t run through it. So if you read through all of this, I’m sorry. I hope to bring you something slightly more entertaining next time. Hopefully.
Peace out.
I’ve been deconstructing and reconstructing, mostly to waste time and the de-clutter my life. Since I’m figuring I’m going to be living at ‘home’ for the next 10 months, it’s about time that I actually ‘move in’ and stop living out of a suitcase and boxes. This means I am turning my room back into ‘my room’ and not just a storage space that my mom had turned it into over the past two years (still can’t find my running shoes since I left for Chicago). I have about 1/4 of my room deconstructed and reconstructed, I suppose. My room smells like Pledge and for someone who has allergies, well, my nose is going crazy right now. I’m trying to simplify my life as much as I can right now, meaning, simplifying my possessions. And if I haven’t touched it for at least two years, it probably has no importance to me whatsoever anymore.
I suppose one of the other reasons that I’m doing this (other than me being OCD) is that if I’m going to be here for a good while, I want to at least have visitors. However, the likelihood of this seems slim. I spent the majority of my summer right after I returned to Nebraska driving and flying to anywhere and everywhere, couch surfing. And never was it me being asked to come to visit. It was me offering to visit. Perhaps I’m bitter or even paranoid, but I’m honestly tired of driving everywhere. For once I’d like someone to either ask me to visit or offer to come visit me. Sure, I could just stop offering, but then I feel like I’ll just end up a recluse. I know many of my friends are busy with school but even when I was back in classes and rehearsals, I still made time. I guess what I’m really trying to say is I’m tired of driving everywhere to see everyone and for once I’d like someone to return the favor (I should have kept track at how much I’ve spent in transportation costs over the past 4 months). I’m done crabbing now.
Job frustration. No sub gigs yet. I finally have everything in that needs to be completed for me to get paid. I still check the CPS bulletins every week. This week one of the jobs I applied for back on July 7th was reposted. And it’s a school that’s just a few blocks west of where I lived in Hyde Park. CPS begins classes on September 7th, just days from now. I told my mom about this job and the situation and she is practically forcing me to apply. I’m still unsure what her angle is. I’m rather doubtful I’d even get an interview. I’m just frustrated with this push and pull business.
I haven’t felt like myself this week which is a vague statement. Maybe it’ll get better when I finish this construction phase. When I de-clutter my surroundings, I de-clutter my mind in the process. There are a lot of big changes going on around me. A few friends have traveled (or will be traveling) afar. Others are back at school. I’ve given up on the ‘L’ word (not the show) for the time being mostly because I need to stop thinking about something that will most likely never happen. I haven’t been making music/playing music as much as I’d like. And I think this may be part of why I feel the way I have been, especially when it is such a large part of who I am.
The first Husker game of the season is this weekend, of which I most likely will not be watching because I’m not a a football fan in general. Also, word is that my brother may not be coming to Sky-town to visit for Labor Day which has me a bit irked.
But in good news, the weather is cooling off in Nebraska. Today was been the coldest day of the summer, lingering in the 60’s and 70’s (it’s 57ºF as I write this). Only 19 days until the official start to fall/autumn which means hot apple cider, caramel apples, turning leaves, sweater weather (I’ve already started wearing my blazers!) and just for S~, stretchy gloves (even though I personally don’t wear gloves this early).
This is probably enough of my rambling this evening. I watched the Rob Blago.... interview on The Daily Show and should probably get back to making my room look like a tornado didn’t run through it. So if you read through all of this, I’m sorry. I hope to bring you something slightly more entertaining next time. Hopefully.
Peace out.
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