Disclaimer: I wrote this entry at around 3:00AM. Please take that into consideration while reading this because I’m sure at least half of it will make you think, “Wtf mate?”
Beethoven wrote his String Quartet, No. 95 in F minor (otherwise known as the “Serioso” String Quartet) in 1810. He had just been turned down in a proposal for marriage. He was 40. The woman he was pursuing was 19, who was, at the time, indifferent to the idea. He had written to a friend, “So be it then. For you, poor Beethoven, there is no happiness in the outer world. You must create it in yourself. Only in the ideal world can you find friends.” This was also during the time he was going deaf and when he was realizing it. And so, this became the time he sat down to write the “Serioso” Quartet. Something so beautiful and fine came out of one of the bleakest moments of Beethoven’s life.
This has been a conflicting couple of days. I question why I beat myself up so much over certain issues (and I’m sure many of you are thinking the same thing, all three of you who read my blog). Musicians (artists in general really) are such a strange breed. We put ourselves through this eternal heartbreak for the sake of our art. To be able to take feeling and create a picture, a structure, a piece of music, a piece of literature, anything, and then evoke the feelings of another. It’s brilliant really when you think of the power that a person can hold by such action. Though, everything we encounter makes us think one thing or another. Afterall, the continuous general definition of art is something that makes us think. Therefore, anything and everything can be classified as art. But the things that bring us to tears, make our hearts flutter, make our faces glow, things that totally make our worlds feel as if they are shattering or perhaps feel as if they are putting the pieces back together, I think, that’s what makes great art. We provide the escape, the reasoning, the thinking through, the form of expression, the communication, of feeling, of ideas, of emotion. I write these words at a stand still yet pivotal time of my life. I need to let go of more than a few boxes of outdated electronics and past issues of Rolling Stone magazine. I will honestly say I’ve been in love once, but not anymore. And now that I’m back in an old world, I feel tempted to take a step backwards even though I know how detrimental it can be. However, I am well aware that I can’t take that step backwards. It would never be the same and I know it will never work. And so I’m left with another situation; letting go of someone/something I never had. I had grown extremely fond of someone over the past six months that never grew into anything. I spoke to that person two days ago for the first time in slightly less than a month for about 30 seconds. I am convinced she is completely oblivious to what had went on when this came to sprout. As much as I don’t want to let go of this ridiculous hope that I have stored away in my head, I should already. But really, all I want right now is answers. And once I can get those, then I can move on.
Brahms spent the end of his life in melancholy. Imagine never marrying, living your life through various love affairs and only being friends for almost your entire life with the one woman you truly loved (Clara Schumann, and outliving her). By the 1890’s, he had given up writing music altogether. However, he had found just the right timbre to express what he was feeling. And from there, he proceeded to write music once more (Sonata in E-flat, Op. 120, No.2).
No, not all art comes out of sadness. But we sure as hell create a lot of it when we’re down in the dumps. And why do we listen to sad music when we’re sad? Why not listen to something happy to lift our spirits? Because when we listen to something sad while feeling sad, we know that someone else out in the world felt at one time what we were feeling, and therefore, that gives us a consolation in knowing that we can make it through. But just give us time to process what is going on and eventually, we’ll meet you on down the road.
This is what happens when I listen to my WGBH Classical Performance Boston podcasts at 3:00AM.
I am easily entertained by horoscopes. This is what one of them read for today (I’m a Taurus):
“You are what you eat. Attitude is altitude. Life is what you make it. All of these bits of advice seem very simple when said by someone else. But if you struggle with weight issues, then following a diet is a challenge. If you’re dealing with problems in your personal life, it’s hard to see the bright side sometimes. And when you’re facing something like unemployment or rejection by a romantic partner, it’s hard to feel like you’re the master of your fate. Whatever you’re challenged by now, Taurus, simply have faith that the powers that be will see you through to greater abundance and happiness very soon.”
Preach it, sista. Though I don’t struggle with weight problems (except for the fact that I have a pop addiction and that I drank FAR too much soda pop yesterday), the personal life deal is to the T. Or however the saying goes.
From the Chicago Sun-Times, my week prediction reads:
“This is a wonderfully playful time! Retrograde Mercury brings old flames back into the picture. This might give you a lift or a shock. However, not only are the sun and Mercury urging you to play, this is also where the new moon occurs. One of the things you might want to ask yourself is how seriously do you value your creativity? You respect your money. You respect your bank account. You respect your possessions that are valuable. What about your valuable talents? For example, many of you can sing. Have you been singing lately? You are more alive and your life is more enriched when you use your creative expression. I know this sounds touchy-feely, but it’s true.”
On a less deep and meaningful note, I have been ‘moving’ into my bedroom over the past two days and it has been so far successful. All that’s really left to go through is a bunch of paper and a bundle of vinyl records. The smell of Pledge is subsiding (thank goodness!) and I don’t feel like I have to sneeze every 15 minutes. I reapplied for the Reavis position which I doubt I’ll get a call for. I am still waiting for sub gigs but it’s early so not having anything yet is understandable. Next Saturday I’m going to Lincoln to see a guy I went to college (we took Intro to Jazz Improv together) with put on Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I haven’t bought the new Jenny and Johnny album yet. The second set of Glee dvds come out next Tuesday. My brother isn’t coming ‘home’ for Labor Day. Wesleyan is putting on How I Learned to Drive. I’ve been looking into grad school. I really want to play piano, specifically Schumann. This weekend feels like the longest out of the whole summer.
Peace out.
Ooooh, buddy. I read it, I get it. I think you are incredible.
ReplyDelete